The Chumpions issue 1

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I'm no hero. And I didn't want to be.

I didn't want to be standing in the middle of a fire fight. I really have no reason to be here. Yea I could travel to alpha-Proxima 4 in the time it takes for most people to cross the street. I guess it's kind of cool that I travel so much past the speed of light that it appears to be teleportation to any one else. And its nice to be on a super hero team. But it sucks that there is someone trying to shoot me and the only thing I can do about it is lay here on the floor hiding behind a crate and pray someone will rescue me.


It all started when I was 12 my powers as many of them do started to manifest themselves. I would go for a run in class and seconds later I'd be in a different country then I had started in. Naked. Did I mention the whole naked part.

Really it doesn't do a boy from Iowa a hell of a lot of good to be flown back home by the US Government with indecent exposure charges from Kenya on your ass. And I mean that in a most painful belt on my ass kind of way.

Anyway after a couple of incidents like that you get a reputation you know. About the only way I was going to be able to make it out of high school was.

A get out of gym.
2 Change my name an get a secret identity
C God comes down and tapes me on the shoulder and make it all better.
4 Get a job for the government.

Guess which one I got. You guessed God Came down and put me in the army. At 14 years of a age I found myself a super secret government weapon. One of many that Old Uncle Sugar had recruited to help in the war on terror


Only one problem. And it was a big one. I had what is referred to as a Non Goal Oriented Power. I'm a NOGO or as the real heroes call us Chumpions.

My power was great only I couldn't take anything with me. Couldn't stop is less then 4 seconds and could only move a 1.86x10 to the 34 power kilometers per second or faster.

Yea Einstein take that. Old I=E x R means nothing to me. Guess you should have taken me into count with your equation shouldn't you.

So after ten or twelve times of me nearly dieing while I tried to us my power and found myself floating in the depths of space minus a vacuum suit, oxygen, or a map back home. I called it quits. No more for me thank you. I like oxygen, and breathing and living..

Thats when they found my other power. No mater where I was I could always get back to my moms house. Actually the bathroom of my Mom's house. Actually the Toilet in the bathroom from my Mom's house. And no mater where that toilet was I could find it. They called it Homo-auto-orienteering. Kind of like a homing pigeon, but with out the feathers.

Want to talk about a couple of worthless powers. I could travel the galaxy in heartbeats but he only thing I could find is my Mom's toilet. But you know those smart asses in the Army. A deals a deal so I had to spend the next five years working for them. And they had a plan for me. They broke a piece of my moms toilet off and shipped it across the country. And you know what. I could find it and get there in the blink of an eye.

And so the light dawned in some CIA bright Boy's forehead. If I could travel to any part of the toilet just send parts of the toilet to every place they wanted me to go. Only I still couldn't carry anything.

But you think that did stopped the CIA. They found I could carry anything they was implanted under my skin, down my throat, or up my... you get the idea. Boy did they have fun sticking me full of err things. I never knew how much sh... is my mom going to be reading this. Never mind.

But how does that lead me here you ask. With guys with guns trying to take yours truly's life. Go ahead an ask I'll wait...........Still Waiting.

Alright ask already.


I have to have some running room to get up to speed, about a tenth of a mile will normally do it. Anything less and I just bounce off of walls but let me get to speed and everything is just kind of out of the way, walls ceiling, floors all seem to just not be there. And I can stop on a dime. Really A dime. They put a piece of toilet on one once and stopped on it, in a closed closet. Then I was trapped until someone would open the door and let me out. No handle on the inside you see.

Which brings us back to here and why I just don't run away instead of hiding behind a little wooden crate. I have to have some room to get up to speed. and this room is way to short. And unless I get moving fast I'm still slower then a bullet. So I'm going to lay here. Press the transmitter implanted in my stomach and pray that God, or the Army has some way to get me out. If not .......

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